Just Rambling...

Made French Toast for dinner tonight.  It was the meal that Michael asked for and I decided what the heck?  Who says breakfast is only for breakfast?  Tomorrow is the first day of the new school year and Michael will be in middle school.  If French Toast for dinner makes my little guy happy than that is good enough for me.

Have been figuring out some things...slowly but surely.  Why is it that what we know feels safer to us even when what we know is not what we want?  If it were just me, I would be gone.  But it isn't just me.  The choices I make affect a lot of others.  I feel sometimes like I am being torn apart.  And yet, I stay quiet.  It doesn't change anything when I say how I feel anyway.  I watch each day come and go without feeling.  I don't want the rest of my life to pass this way.  He doesn't believe that I will ever really go--so he feels safe not making any changes.  I have asked and asked.  If it is not something he wants then it doesn't happen.  How can he not see what is happening to me??  How can he not care?

He is a good father.  He has a good heart.  Those are the things that stop me.  I know of so many others who are not.  I have personal experience with this.  

How can there be a marriage, though, where only one person calls the shots?  Where promises are made and then broken?  When I feel empty inside?  How?

Weeks ago when our son ended up in a hospital two hours from where we live and we didn't know what was going on (thankfully, we came out good on the other side) but he left me there to handle it all--the doctors, the tests, the absolute panic--alone.  He said he needed to get back to work.  I also know that he hates hospitals and I KNOW that this was part of it.  I felt so alone.  So terrified.  If it had not been for my mother-in-law who lived close by I think I would have had a nervous breakdown.  I don't know how to get over this, though.  A part of me felt that if I could not even depend on him to help me during a time like that, then why am I even with him?  

God, I am so sad lately...and I am so damn tired of being sad.